Country to me means being yourself. Being true to yourself and to other. Its getting down and dirty. Getting your hands dirty working hard to make a living. This is a world that even if you werent born with a silver spoon in your mouth you fit it. Usually the ones that were born without that spoon in your mouth you seem to fit in, You are excepted the way you are. People are there to help you in your time of need. and all they ask in return is you return the gesture when needed. Here people stick together and protect there own,
What can I say? My dad is my dad. He was a sperm donor pretty much. He wasn't really around when I was growing up. I heard one side of the story growing up. That he didn't want me or to be a part of my liffe. That he denied me of being his daughter, his child. But, before I could get to know the truth my dad died when I was 14. I am now 20. At the time I didn't really care about getting to know him. That and I had figured that he didn't want to get to know his daughter. Later on I got to know two of my half brothers. It got me to thinking that maybe it was my mom and step dad that didn't want me to know my dad. To this day I don't know what to think. I have questions that I will never have truthful answers to. Why weren't you there? Why wwer't you a part of my life? Did you not want me?
I have no pictures of my dad and I together. He will never get to know the grandson he never got to meet. My dad has been dead for 6 years. I never had a real wedding cause I didn't have anyone to give me away. In the 6 years he has been dead I haven't once been to visit his grave. I know where the grave is I just don't know which plot he is burried. I just wish that i had gotten to know him. That he had gotten to know me know the person I've grown up to be. That he won't ever get to know my son, my husband, and my little family.
I have two tattoos. One on my right shoulder that says 'Family is forever' and one on my right leg. A dove.
The one on my shoulder I got for my son. I had it done right after I had him.
Family is forever means so much to me. It means that family will be there for you when the rest of the world walks out on you and turns your back on you. They will be there to hold your hand wipe your tears and give you a shoulder lean on when you need to cry.
The Dove. The dove is a symbol of peace and spirit. I got it for two people who were killed that were very close to me. To remind me that they will always be there looking over me and be by my side protecting me. I will eventually get a ribbon somewhere around the dove saying Rest In Peace Janie Young and Janel Davis. 10-10-11.
I want to get more something to represent my marriage and my family.
Photographs are the way you freeze a moment you want to save and look back on one day. They save the memories. When you feel bad and you want to look back on a day or on someone. Just pull one out and remember that day. The good day you had the fun the laughters and the tears you had with that person. When/if your mind goes you have those photographs to help you tell the story.
I take photos a little bit. I mostly take them of nature and my son. Family is another thing i love to photograph. Photography relaxes me. Eases my mind, it is soothing
They are good to hand down to your children when they want to know about their past, their family, themselves, their heritage, their friends, and much much more.
They make researching ancestory a little easier
There are a lot of things I would love to say to my younger self. I will probaby spend a few days writing on this one. I will probaby make this into a detailed list.
1. Everything will turn out to be okay.
2. The world will not come crashing down to an end if you break-up with someone.
3. Just because you care about someone doesn't mean that they care about you the same way.
4. Respect yourself.
5. You will get out alive.
6. Get to know your dad, while you can.
7. Anyone can be takin away from you in a bl
8. You will find a family that cares
9. You will have a husband.
10. Get on birth control
11. if you don't stay on birth control you will get pregnant your senior year.
12. go to college
13. do better in high school
14. let your loved ones know that you love them.
15. be nice to anyone that you consider a friend
I've hurt so many people in my life. I use to hurt people I care about with out a second thought. I have no idea why I was like this. I was just a bad friend. The kind of friend I should have never been. But, today thinking back, I feel bad about what I did to her. The kind of friend I was, I never want a friend like that. I'm so glad that she has found it in her heart to forgive me. If I was her I never would have. Okay, time to tell the story. My husband doesn't even know this.
I just want to state that I'm not making excuses for what I did. Just trying to give my readers an insight of my state of mind.
We were Juniors in high school. Things were weird for me that year. I had no one. I only had my friend. We weren't dating anyone. Then she started dating A.
Before she started dating A we did everything together we always had time for eachother. But, once she started dating him it was like I was shoved out of the picture and she would come hang with me with A tagging along. I felt like such a third wheel. Then there was night she was suppose to stay the night with me I think that I waited up til twelve in the morning. Later I found out she was out all night with A. And she just ended up stayin with him. I was hurt that she had blown me off. I was really looking forward to it.
But, eventually him and I started talking. And to sum this all up A and I came sex buddies. After the very first time we had sex i felt guilty. But, I had promised not to say nothing. About a couple weeks later I felt bad about what we were doing. I told A to tell her or I would. A week went by and she still didn't know. So, I finally told her. She was pissed. But I didnt expect anything less. But, I later found out she was more mad at him than me. (he was her first) she found out that i had givven A the chance to tell her. We had a class together A my best friend and I. After that I was very awkward for a few weeks. Eventually, my best friend forgave me. To this day I do not know why. But, I'm not brave enough to ask. I never want to heard anyone like that ever again.
High school for me wasn't the experience I was expecting when I entered it it the 9th grade. I had no friends. The previous two years in that school as a junior high student were horrible. I was ready to graduate and get the hell out of there. I was labeled a slut before I even entered a high school. It was a small town so rumors spread fast. They tend to stick around for a long time. People started saying that I had sex with my bf in a sandbox. I was only 14. I had better values than that. And I was raised better. I didn't have the childhood like other kids. (that is a totally different post). When all i did was kiss him.
The spring before starting high school I lost my dad. My freshman year I finally started excepting that he was gone. I didn't go to school functions or allowed to do anything. I was barely able to join the FFA. My grades weren't the greatest.
Having no friends starting out in high school was horrible. Having no one to eat lunch with. No one to walk to class with. Or even having someone to sit next to in class. And when it was time to get partnered up. I was that kid that didn't have one that the teacher assigned to a group.
My sophmore year things seemed to get better. I started dating my best friend. Joey. He reminds me of a giant overstuffed teddy bear. Although, I would never tell him that. It's kind of embarrassing. We dated off and on that year. He was a junior. So prom season comes around we are together but he doesn't ask me. He asks someone else. He asked someone else cause he knew that I wouldn't be allowed to go. Becasue of the step-dad. I acted like it didn't bother me. But it did. About a year ago. We met up for luch. Started talkin about old times. Finally told him that it did bother me. But know we just laugh about it. We eventually broke up. Hell we were high school kids. Without a care in the world. We relized that we were better friends. But i can honestly say that we never have had a fight even when we dated. But I can say that is one person I would not mind marrying (if I wasnt already married) Finally made up with friends and had them back in my life.
Junior Year. Junior year everything changed for the better. My life was so much better I was so much happier. The summer before starting my junior year i went to live with my grandma. Things got really bad at home. told my mom to let me live with grandma or she can watch me call child services on her husband.. So I moved in with grandma. New County. New Town. New School. So it was like starting high school all over again. Except this time. I didn't know anyone. None of the students or the teachers. And I wasn't very goood at making friends. That has always been my weakness. I went to class. talked to no one. Ate luch by myself in a corner. Ride the bus home. Then go straight to the homework. The plus side of that was my grades were the best they had ever been. I was at that school for about 2 months. Mom finally told me she was gettin a divorce and told me she had bought a trailer and told me she would come get me once she was all moved in. I told her I would come with so I could help her move. Plus I wanted to be back with my friends. So i moved back. When I left I gave up an officer position in the FFA. Moved back and I had freedom and could do anything. It was great then 6 months later I found the love of my life. (even if we did meet on the internet) I started dating Pete. I was as happpy as could be being allowed to date. So prom came around went with him. It ws fun. then summer came. moved in with him for the summer
Senior Year. Senior year came around I was an FFA Officer. I was the happy and giddy. Even though I had the attitude I don't care what people think about me. My grades weren't the best I always struggled in english. Allison and I were the best of friends again and inseperable. School started things were good. Pete came and saw me everyother day of the week it seemed like. Even though he was working two jobs and going to school he drove fourtyfive minutes one way. So the holidays come around. I spent christmas break with him. New years having a few drinks with him. At the end of December or beginning of January I don't remember which. He proposes. He took my phone. Sent me a text and then gave me back my phone. He texted me asking if I would marry him. It was really sweet. Then a couple weeks later early January we find out tha I'm pregnant! A senior and pregnant not what I had wanted no other thought came to our mind but keeping our baby. We didnt even talk about what we were going to do about it. So he was working coming down and school and takin me to my doctor appointments.
When it finally came out at school that I was pregnant it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My senior class grew up so much. No one talked behind my back. once i started to show there was a few asking if i knew what i was having. so then prom came I was 6 months pregnant and ordered my drress before I knew I was pregnant. It was camo and I was glad the fabric was strechy. Prom was fun. Then the next month was finals and graduation. During an english when i was about 5 months pregnant the baby first kicked my it was dead silent and then i just start laughing cause i had felt my baby kick me for the first time. Then here comes graduation. I waddle down graduation 7 months pregnant.
After graduating I missed it. But what i really missed was senior year. I kept so busy
Some of my experience in high school was bad but then again most of it was all good. I found the love of my life.
P.S. Pete and I got married 9/1/2012
I am going to create my own list of writing ideas; for those days that I feel like writing but cannot think of anything to write about. Feel free to "borrow" my list or just plain steal it. Don't bother me any. :) I am going to shoot for 50 ideas. Ideally I would love to come up with 100, but I do not believe that I cannot do that in one night. For one I would fall asleep writing this considering hour late it is. Two I would run out of ideas. Some of these might sound dumb but these are ideas that are just coming to my mind I'm just typing as soon as they come to mind.
2. What family means to me
4.Losing someone you love
5.The death of someone I called a friend
6. My Dad
7.Life as an Army Wife (what I have experienced from it so far)
8..What high school was like for me.
9. My son.
10. Giving it away.
11. If I could go back 5 years what I would say to stupid teenage self.
12. Hurting my best friend
13. Rebuilding The Bridge I burned
15.Are your friends really your friends?
21. Turning 18.
22. Giving up.
23. My first love
24. The family I never got to know
26. Losing Hope
30. Country.What it means to me.
31. Dealing with my issues
32. Respecting myself
33. Meaning behind my tattoos
39. What the Hell was I thinking?
40.Where I grew up
43. The differenece between You and I
44. Friends I wish i never had
45. Broken Hearts
46. The Hurt
47. I wonder
48. Why do people always hurt eachother
50. The End
Here is my list you are more than welcome to add to it in the comment box after i get so many i wil post another blog of ideas.
Previous Posts30. What Country Means To Me, posted December 12th, 2012
6. My Dad, posted October 10th, 2012
33. The Meaning Behind My Tattoos, posted October 8th, 2012
35. Photographs, posted October 8th, 2012
11. If I Could Go Back What I Would Say To My Teenage Self, posted October 5th, 2012
12. Hurting My Best Friend, posted October 5th, 2012
8. What High Scool Was Like For Me., posted October 5th, 2012
My Blog Ideas, posted October 4th, 2012
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